At any given moment, we're in a relationship with ourselves and the world around us. This relationship is typically of a toxic or tonic nature. Whether this relationship is with people (ourselves, included), situations, or our careers, we're relating to it, often unconsciously, one way or the other.
The quality of this relationship is identified by two measures:
"WHAT" we're feeling about the situation/person/self/, and what we're feeling about what we're feeling (The relationship we're having with the situation)
"HOW" we're feeling towards and about what we're feeling (The relationship we're having with ourselves)
Perhaps you're already feeling a certain way about what I'm sharing. Maybe my writing style (or lack thereof) is confusing or conflicting for you. Maybe what I'm sharing is already landing. Either way, you're in relationship with it. Let's explore!
What
"What" we're feeling about the situation/person/self in a toxic relationship could be described as "hating it," "frustrated with it," "angered by it" etc. There's a strong emotion we associate with the situation/person/self. So, what do we do with this?
Acknowledge it. Recognize that at this moment, you're in a toxic relationship with the situation/person/self. Be careful, however. Often, we reactively do so by saying things like, "I'm so frustrated with work!" or "That person makes me so mad!" That's NOT acknowledging. That's "becoming."
Disidentify with it / Disempower them. You are you, not the emotion of the moment. "You" are not frustration, it's not part of our identity unless we unconsciously choose to do so (which we often do). As well, no person or thing can 'make me' angry. What we can do is choose to be angry about it. Once we take this position, we have a choice about the experience of anger. We're no longer a victim of their superpower to control the emotions we experience.
Explore it. This relates to the second of the two measures. Often, this "level 1" experience of emotion is fueled by a negative relationship with the emotion, itself. We "hate that we're feeling sad." We're ashamed that we're feeling judgmental." This second wounding is the one that often goes unnoticed and unattended to, and takes that 'appropriate and warranted' level of emotion and amplifies it. This is highly complex and something to be gentle with. There's often a deep inner knowing attached to this second wounding that's best met with curiosity and compassion instead of angst.
There's an opportunity to further unfold our emotional leadership with these relationships. Though it begins with curiously noticing "what" we're feeling in the moment, the "How" is imperative.
How
How we're feeling is very different from What we're feeling. What is a label. How is an intimate description of the inner experience in/around our body. For example:
WHAT = I'm feeling some vulnerability sharing this content with you for fear that you'll reject it because I'm not a Ph.D. on the subject.
HOW = I feel a tightness in my chest, just above my sternum, it feels narrow and cold. I also feel a slight pit in my stomach that feels dark and hollow. I notice my jaw clenched and a tension in my face.
Here's where the two really come together: My relationship with WHAT I'm feeling towards HOW I'm feeling is a significant go/no go for whether I publish this or not. If I 'hate' how I'm feeling, all of this information will stay locked up inside. And in doing so, I'm confirming whatever part of me is so afraid of being vulnerable that holding back is the only option. And my relationship with that fearful part of me takes things to another level--a rabbit hole for another day.
Why explore relationship 'what' and 'how?'
What makes expanding our awareness beyond 'what' to 'how' effective is multiple. As it relates to coaching, it gives us a choice as to where we focus our attention. When we turn our attention to 'how' we're feeling, we disengage from the content (the fuel) of the conflict. Doing so allows us to engage the 'What' from a far more resourceful place.
Uncovering choice helps us to unfold beyond the blocks that have kept us in place. Though many, many things go into getting us moving, what and how we're relating to ourselves and the world will ALWAYS be involved.
-------
As you can imagine, there is much more behind this. With the above, we can do A LOT for ourselves. The key, as you might have guessed, is using it. We operate throughout the day on an efficient network of neural patterns. That which has been working behind the scenes, below conscious awareness, will take consistent interruption to "weaken" its automatic nature. Start getting in the neural groove of asking yourself, "What and how am I feeling about this right now?" Do so with curiosity and care. Notice the quality of your relationships begins to unfold in a direction that feels far more calm and safe.
I hope you find this helpful. If so, and you have questions, please connect with me. I'll gladly spend time with you exploring it.
Arch
Not interested in this type of content?
Comments